Friday, November 16, 2012

The Day the Twinkie Died

I heard the rumors, read the news, and didn't want to believe they were true. Then I saw this:

What kind of world will it be without Twinkies and Wonder Bread? My child has yet to experience the satisfaction of shoving an entire Ho Ho into his mouth or the joy of licking the cream filling out of a Hostess Cup Cake. And despite my family's sordid history with frozen Ding Dongs, my child will never experience the excitement of unwrapping that chocolate wonder and savoring the goodness within.

"I love Twinkies,
and the reason I am saying that is
because we are all supposed to think of reasons to live."
~ Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

What happens if there is a zombie invasion and we don't have the everlasting, indestructible Twinkies to inspire us?

But it's not just Twinkies that will be disappearing. Ding Dongs, Ho Ho's, Fruit Pies, CupCakes, Donettes, Suzy Q's, Sno Balls, Zingers and many others will become a thing of the past. Hostess owns Wonder Bread, Dolly Madison, Butternut Bread, Drake's Cakes, Holsom Bread, Mrs. Cubbison's, Nature's Pride, Millbrook, and many others.

Yes, America, there is something worse than a zombie invasion.

Some may say, good riddance. Some may see this as a day of freedom to those who were addicted to the sugar-laden treats. Some may see this as one step toward eradicating obesity. I say, they'll simply find some other food to comfort their loss. Unfortunately, that food won't be made by Hostess.

So farewell old friend. Although I have only occasionally called upon you since childhood, I do still have fond memories of the times we shared, the memories made, and the calories consumed. You were worth the extra cardio. And you always brought a smile to my face.

To quote the great Tallahassee from Zombieland, "There's a box of Twinkies in that grocery store. Not just any box of Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date. Some day very soon, Life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go... empty."